Four Moments That Will Never Happen In Canon Because The World Hates Me

By Mushroom
Rating: R for R-ness and random crack. I warned you.
What’s in it for you: In which Tonks measures, Relena Peacecraft discovers her sexuality, Gimli scores and Sasuke is not emo. Yep. Trust me.
Pairings: SiriusxRemus, LegolasxGimli (YES MY ELF TOPS!), RelenaxSurprise Character For The Win plus Orgies, and SasukexNaruto.




1. Is It Wrong That I Was Inspired By Araby?

It’s just been six months since they started dating and now Andromeda Tonks is looking at Remus Lupin’s shabby brown coat and wispy hair with absolute disgust. “I’ve had enough,” she announces impetuously, her pink hair sharpening upwards like thunderbolts.

“Baby, please, what’s the matter?” Cooes Remus Lupin, obviously distressed at the thought of losing his first girlfriend (not to make it seem like that he never had a relationship, because he did, like, months ago). “I thought my being a werewolf was never an issue. I thought you accepted me!”

“It’s not that,” she wrinkles her nose and steps back.

Remus reaches out, voice almost a whine. “Okay, so maybe I’m broke, but I’ll get a decent job after this war is over, Sirius lent—left me a large amount of—“

“Sirius.” Andromeda repeats scathingly, then shakes her head. “Anyway, it’s no use. I’ve decided. It’s time for me to search for greener pastures.”

“What?”

“Kingsley. Kingsley Shacklebolt. Warmed me up last Christmas.” Andromeda smiles at the thought of his muscular arms, and stifles a giggle. “He’s kinda huge and hot, isn’t he?”

“WHAT.” Remus Lupin, once a man of words and inspirational speeches.

“Yes. Exactly. What. What a hot guy.” She stares dreamily at the ceiling.

“And what makes him better than me?!”

“Well, for one thing,” she says, “Size.”

“Excuse me?“

“Size. It matters.”

“?!”

“And it’s not just the size, mind you. The enthusiasm. It’s just not there. I don’t feel it. It’s like an uncooked sausage!”

“H-how’d you, have you seen Shacklebolt’s—oh my god—“

“Nope, haven’t checked,” Andromeda cheerily answers, “But, you know. Hehe. It’s common knowledge that their kind have, well, heavy artillery.”

“This is unbelievable!” Remus shouts indignantly, feeling very much like, well, shit. “Sirius never complained about my—“

Then he promptly blushes. “I mean, well, in the showers, you see, we, male dorm, uhm, uhm—“ then he looks at his quivering hands in muted terror and fervently prays that the world just screw itself.

“Sirius never complained about my size before, yes, yes, TOO MUCH INFORMATION SWEETIE.” Andromeda marches out the door, and right there, at the centre of the hallway, stood Kingsley Shacklebolt, looking extremely smug.

“By the way, dear,” Andromeda pauses, flips her hot pink hair, and looks at him in the eye. “Next time, please lock the door if you decide to wank by the fireplace while waiting for a certain brunette’s head to pop out. God, you even have time for those things. You’re practically a cripple!”

“What did you—“

They disapparated.

Remus gazed at the spot where they left with smouldering contempt, and, like a creature wrought by the fiercest betrayal, he howled at the ceiling in anguish, fingers longing to rip threads of magenta off one’s fragile head…







2. Yes, My Elf Tops


“Legolas, my friend.” Gimli son of Gloin calls out, emerging from the small tent. The elf and dwarf are travelling yet again. At this moment they are touring a forest near Brandywine.

“What is it, my sweet dwarf?” Legolas, son of Thranduil stands on the edge of a cliff, looking real pretty and sparkly and all ten kinds of awesome.

“I have just received the results from my personal healer,” the dwarf answers gruffly, and he is obviously unhappy. Legolas' lovely, smooth forehead finally features three wrinkled lines, and he rushes over to his sweetheart and embraces him.

“It is not AIDS, is it?”

“What?”

“Never you mind. Well then, what is it? Speak, and I swear by the elders of Mirkwood that I shall be with you forever, whatever the consequence may be.” Legolas begins to braid his lover’s beard in bated anticipation.

“Do you…Do you remember the time we spent together after the war with Sauron? When we were…fooling around in the Glittering Caves…”

“Yes,” says Legolas breathily, his eyes shining like the Evenstar. “It was a shot in the dark, but we just had to. Destroyed what was left of my claustrophobia.”

“Well, yes…” Gimli Gloin’s son laughs shakily, “B-because of that, well…do you love me, Elf-friend?”

“I love you,” The prince of Mirkwood says passionately, “That is why I am bringing you along to the Grey Havens, right? For us to sail towards our deaths together. For even in death, we shall not part.”

“Legolas,” Gimli cuts, “I am carrying your child.”

At first the fair elf resembled an overblown ostrich, then grew into an awkward shade of red, but now he is chuckling and laughing and holding on to his stomach for fear of belching out his innards. Yet when Gimli gives him a stony look he clears his throat and returns to his serious, sexy self.

“You are pregnant.” He repeats.

“Yes.”

“Is it—“

“A boy. He is yours. Do you want him?”

Legolas laughs in agreement, and it is the most wonderful thing in Middle-Earth; a laugh that shatters the dwarf’s stone-heart. The elf scoops Gimli up in his arms, laughing—no, giggling—madly, and turns ‘round and ‘round and Gimli—poor dear—almost vomits in the elf’s leather boots.

“What shall we call him? Aragorn, perhaps? Maybe Gandalf, son of Legolas?” Gimli son of Gloin asks.

Legolas smiles warmly. “Let us name him Groin, after your grandfather…”





3. Wrath of Relena


It wasn’t that Relena was homophobic—she had Zechs Marquis for an older brother, for fucking Lord Byron’s sake—it’s just that it was definitely. Too. Much.

She was sick of seeing Heero angst in a corner after she seduced him, only to find out that he was participating in mad orgies inside gundam cockpits with his fellow emo fifteen-year-olds. Duo would fuck any piece of furniture that had holes, Quatre would clutch his heart and moan in agony whenever she questioned his preferences, Trowa would give her murderous looks when said Arab suffered heart problems (as if his hair wasn’t dangerous enough), and Wufei, Wufei, WUFEI, the only man she thought manly, was reduced to blather and bawls at the mere mention of Treize.

That was why nobody wondered why the Queen of the world was quite retarded, at some point. Because she wanted to kill all the faggots. And they were too-fucking-many. The only man who was interested in her was one of the doctors with robotic fingers, but they were old and creepy and WHAT THE FUCK ROBOTIC FINGERS. So.

So when Relena spotted Heero grinding with other seemingly respectable gundam pilots for the fifteenth time that day (yes, the g-boys are forever horny), she was livid.

Duo looked at her worriedly. “Hey, what’s wrong princess? You look sick. Have you been sniffing Heero’s underwear?”

“Have you?” Relena shot back.

“Please, don’t fight before dinner.” Quatre pleaded as the tension rose.

“That’s it. I’ve had enough. Our relationship’s over, Heero Yuy.” She said and prepared for a dramatic exit, but her boyfriend pointed a gun at her face.

“If you walk out I’ll kill you, you little bitch.” His tone was deadly. The silence that followed was accompanied by Quatre having another heart attack.

“Touché,” Relena answered, and began screeching wildly: “FUCKING HOMOSEXUALS! I HOPE YOU ROT IN YOUR FAGGOTY HELL AND GET FUCKED BY HORDES OF BIG-BOOBED WOMEN!!!”

“Eew!” Duo made a face.

Relena gave him a look of utter loathing that he saw forever. Once the doors slid shut, however, she began crying miserably.

“Is there something wrong, Miss Peacecraft?” Dorothy Catalonia was in the same elevator, beaming at her with horribly forked eyebrows. “Maybe I can help you…?”

Relena started sniffling, then gasped when Dorothy placed a not-just-friendly hand on her bottom and pinched.

“While the gay boys play…” She whispered, and Relena predicted a very hot, very sticky journey to the ground floor…









4. I Speak In Behalf Of Masashi Kishimoto’s Repressed Side

Sasuke’s penis felt so unloved over the past several years with Orochimaru’s slimy gang that it practically sprang to life once he was finally home in Konoha with his beloved Naruto.

Where was Naruto, anyway? It was time. Itachi was dead. Everything was perfect. Sasuke roamed the streets, desperately searching for the idiot—his idiot, until he reached a large, boisterous crowd of fangirls. Wearing emo-gothic, failed-lolita shit.

“Oh shit,” He stated eloquently, and willed himself to vanish. However, the fangirls went past him (he also realized that there were a fair amount of boys included), and Sasuke looked at them bewilderedly until…

“Oi, Sasuke!”

That…scrawny, high-pitched, boyish voice…

Soon, Uchiha Sasuke was face-to-face with his Naruto, only he looked more like the Yondaime, then.

“Check it out,” Naruto said triumphantly, “I have my own fan base now.”

Sasuke couldn’t believe it. It was true! A group of…female…creatures were giving googly eyes to his idiot, and he remembered some of them came from his own fan club. The traitors!

“What the fuck happened?”

“Well you see, Sasuke, people hate you in the internet now. I mean, sure, you were kinda hot with your new costume and everything, but you were definitely assholeier than ever. The fan girls squee-ed for a bit when they saw your nipples (or lack thereof), then they began babying me afterwards.”

“Babying?”

“Yup. Because I was distraught and hurt and they wanted to hug me and take care of me. I have more fan sites now, and loads of fan fics are dedicated to me. Since you were gone, they hooked me up with random characters. I’m universal. I’m with men and women. Things, inanimate objects. Fruit, even.”

“FRUIT.”

“Yeah. They seem to like pairing me up with strawberries. And shower rods.” Naruto tapped his chin in deep thought.

“…”

“I have this whole new bad-ass outfit, too. More black than bright orange. It still makes me look like a walking Halloween decoration, but yeah, my ass gets all the attention.” Naruto folds his arms and looks at Sasuke fiercely while his fan girls nodded in approval. “I’m better than you now, Sasuke. Now I’m the focus of the story, since you can’t hog the spotlight with your wangsting anymore. Emo is dead. Nobody likes the broody types anymore. EMO IS DEAD!”

“But you like my emo side, don’t you?” Sasuke moved forward, smirk ready. “You secretly, really, really, really like it.”

“What the hell, Sasuke.” Naruto tried to look anywhere else but at Sasuke's mischievous grin.

“You’ve forgotten something, too. About the fan sites. Dedicated to us.”

“YOU’RE—“

“There are more of them now, especially since we’re older. No limits, and everything. Puberty. Hormones. They’re all discussed in fanfiction. Then there’s this thing called livejournal.”

“Livejournal?” Naruto suppresses a snort. “Weird.”

“I know. There are communities. Dedicated to us. So don’t you dare say that it’s all about you, Naruto.” Step. Step. “Because it’s about us.”

Thus the Technically First Real Kiss commenced, in which the title of the manga series changed: not Naruto, nor Sasuke, but Naruto and Sasuke…




Epilogue

“Correction: Sasuke AND Naruto.”

“No fucking way! My name should be first. The series was named after me, anyway!”

“SasukexNaruto, maybe?”

“NARUTO AND SASUKE!!!”

And the wank begins.