*in the tune of the happy birthday song* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, caiphas! YOU BELONG IN A SMUT LOO! WITH THE UKES AND THE SEMES…AND THEY’RE BUTT-SEXING TOO!




LOOKIE, WE ARE THE ELRIC SISTERS~!!!

caiphas and I have been friends since FIRST GRADE! (likewhoa.) We bonded over kutsinta (a Filipino pastry) I personally stole from her class, a class I was not part of. The only thing we had in common that time was that we both had boyish friends, teehee. And look at us now! ALL GROWN UP AND SLASHING MEN IN THEIR BIRTHDAY SUITS!

Happy birthday, Jules. I DEFILED YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY MWAHAHHAHHAHAHAH LOLLERZ.



In short, here are your presentsssSSS.

FIRST OFF, I MADE A SASUNARU DRAWING (and it sucks so bad, it can dry you up...)

And this.

Verbal Confidence

Author: Mushroom
Series: Naruto Pairing: Sasunaru
Rating: R
Genre: CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAACKTASTIC!
Warning: EXTREMELY OOC SASUKE *weeps and gnashes teeth as she burns in the fires of bastardizers* (it’s for a reason, anyway)



***


Uchiha Sasuke is a man of few words.

Yet when Uzumaki Naruto arrived, all bruised and torn beyond repair (and fresh from a mind-rape courtesy of Uchiha Itachi), he felt the urge to say something. Naruto managed to defeat Orochimaru while blasting his rasengan towards Kabuto with his free hand; Sasuke watched in a corner, face grim and resolute.

His silence gave him nothing; it only hurt those who were important to him. He sometimes regretted that he never spoke up against his brother, never told those he loved what he truly felt. Words can be essential tools, he realized, as the calm blonde boy helped him up and carried him to safety. Sasuke’s eyes were still throbbing when he gazed at Naruto’s driven face, and then he knew what to do. A strange kind of adrenaline rushed through his veins, a bravery he never before had was discovered.

Konoha cheered upon his arrival; there was a silent yet meaningful celebration of sorts. Sasuke could see Hinata and Kiba and Shikamaru and the others all nod to him with smiles, and he nodded in return. They were sights that comforted him, but there were other people he wished to see more.

Kakashi-sensei stood near his friend’s grave, and Sasuke greeted him with a hurried thank you. Before the jounin could reply, he went off.

Sakura was chatting with Ino near the Yamanaka flower gardens and he asked if he could talk to her privately. The pink-haired ninja looked at him seriously and listened to his lengthy, if breathless, speech of gratitude, and accepted his embrace. Sakura squeezed him, saying that it was okay, she was glad he was safe. When they parted ways Sasuke couldn’t believe himself, for he managed to utter goodbye with a smile.

“Have you talked to him yet?” called out Sakura, her hair dancing against the wind.

Sasuke stopped. “I’m about to.”

Uchiha Sasuke wanted to tell everyone he considered special that they were indeed, special. Time must not be wasted. Words should be expressed. He’s been too quiet for too long, only expressing himself through grunts, angsty glares and foul language; now the expressions and dotted i’s are bursting in his chest, anxious to be unleashed.

There is a hidden talent amongst Uchihas. It is the ability to woo a beloved with the various tongues of love and emerge successful afterwards (his father was particularly good at it, and snagged the most beautiful woman in the village).

Sasuke yearned to triumph.

***

Meanwhile, Naruto arrived home still quite himself, perky if somewhat more retarded than ever. However, something changed within him; he was sick of belting out his emotions when they were always left ignored and unheeded. It’s better to keep it all to yourself, he decided, moments after he left Sasuke to the arms of the other Konoha villagers. Better to keep it all in when nobody wants to listen.




VERBAL CONFIDENCE - The Hidden Uchiha Style


1.

It was caiphas’ birthday party, and being the lavish daughter of a rich merchant, every single person in Konoha was invited. Naruto decided to collect a few pastries from the buffet table to eat them by himself along the riverside; his heroics were usually accomplished during secret missions, so nobody knew the goodness and immense strength within him. He was still promptly detested.

The blonde boy felt someone rap his shoulder, and he drawled, “Whaddya want?”

Sasuke sat beside him, forehead wrinkled in worry. “Why’d you leave? I thought you enjoyed festivities.”

“And I thought YOU didn’t,” Naruto muttered back, “Are you touched in the head? You even greeted caiphas a happy birthday, though you usually don’t talk to her.”

“That’s none of your business.” The raven-haired boy said coolly, then automatically bit his lip. He had forgotten his resolution momentarily. Shifting a bit so that he was gazing straight into Naruto’s eyes, he spoke: “Naruto, there’s something I’ve been longing to tell you privately. I’ve been itching to say this for several weeks; my nights were spent tossing and turning in my futon, not knowing what to do for fear of being judged and misinterpreted.” He swallowed, but continued. “I’m tired of holding it all back. That’s why I’ve made a decision. I don’t care if the world knows, I don’t care if the world spites me—“

“Hah! As if you cared about other people in the first place—”

“—however, this feeling can’t escape me, and I want to let it go.” Sasuke held Naruto’s quivering hands (ignoring the rather tactless interruption) while the blonde simply gaped at him, “I can’t stop it, Naruto. You’ve got to help me fight it. It is impossible to resist. OH GOD, I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! I love you Naruto! I love you is all I know. I LOVE YOU TO THE BONES!” Sasuke threw his head back as his final words shook the earth and the fingers he held between his hands. A crow cawed in the sky above them.

An awkward silence.

“You’re kidding, right?” Naruto said slowly. The Uchiha shook his head.

They watched the fireworks display, hands clasped.

“I’ve got loads more to tell you,” Sasuke said smilingly.

“Yeah?” Naruto said, eyebrows raised.

“Over a bowl of ramen.”

“’Kay, I’m listening!”



2.


Naruto was chatting happily with Gaara (the boy from the village of Sand listened with a frown, though his eyes were smiling) during a morning walk when…

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” shouted a loud, bellowing voice.

Sasuke dragged him away forcibly while shooting dagger eyes at the pale-faced Kazekage. Gaara merely looked and shrugged.

“What the HELL do you think you’re DOING?!” The blonde demanded fiercely as soon as they were out of Gaara’s reach; he was boasting about the new jutsus he learned, and Gaara looked quite interested.

He recoiled when the Uchiha faced him, eyes brimming with angry tears. “W-why are you talking to that…that Gaara! And last Tuesday, I saw you eating with Neji!” Sasuke clutched at his heart, closing his eyes tightly. “Your betrayal…wounds me deeply. Haven’t I told you I loved you just weeks ago?”

“What’s so wrong with that? I was only talking to them. Besides, they treated me to ramen, how could I resist—”

“Don’t you know that…e-everytime…you’re with another man…I die…bit by bit. And when I see you…again…with another…I die a little more. It’s like..” Sasuke gulped, “It’s like…I can’t breathe.”

“Ick. You drunk or somethin'?"

Naruto had no choice but to spend the rest of the day following Sasuke, with a possessive arm around his waist.



3.

After they kissed, Sasuke wiped his lips and said, “I’ve been waiting for this kiss for such a long time. This first kiss, I shall commit to memory, along with the taste of its sweetness. Your lips taste like noodles and mint toothpaste, and oh-how-I-love-it. Aah! Kiss me, and the world is mine!” He threw his arms into the air and fell on his back.

“What’re you saying? We already kissed before.” said Naruto, slowly unbuttoning the Uchiha’s shirt.

“Oh! My love cannot be cured by any healing jutsu or herbs. I know you think I am mad. But when love is not madness, it is not love. The hours I spend with you—just kissing you and holding you—it is like inhaling sweet-smelling perfume. I love you so much; I love you with a love that’s more than all the love in the world, and it is beyond loving.”

The blonde ninja wrinkled his nose. “Huh?”


4.

Sasuke was merciless even in the heat of sex.

“Let me touch you, let me take your clothes off…” He tried to recall what he read in one of the Icha Icha Paradise novels he nicked from Kakashi-sensei, and breezily recited the lines uttered by a particularly horny protagonist.

“Oh Naruto, I want to see you come, to hear you scream, to feel the force of your ejaculation—“

“Ejacu-what?”



5.

Sasuke walked slowly towards the blonde boy as he sat on his favorite swing, sharing a delightful lunch with his Iruka-sensei. As soon as Naruto noticed he was nearing he considered launching into an escape when the young Uchiha firmly held his shoulder in a split-second.

“I composed a song for you. I want you to hear it.” said Sasuke determinedly, brows furrowed. He looked like he would murder if Naruto did not permit him. “I thought about it for many endless nights, and this is what I have conjured. It is entitled: ‘Sensual Surgery’.”

Naruto snorted.

Sasuke looked at him with glazed eyes. “Please listen, for my tired mind’s sake.”

“That’s really nice of you, Sasuke-kun.” Iruka said eagerly in his trademark chipper tone; he was relieved to see that Sasuke was being friendly to Naruto. “Let’s hear it.”

Naruto struggled to escape the torture, but Sasuke’s grip was strong. “I—I don’t think—“

"Thank you, Iruka-sensei. This won't be long, don't worry." The Uchiha cleared his throat, and began:

“Oh sweet Naruto
Your eyes are as blue
as the gentle sea
I love you so much
Can you not see?
Your lips are like cherry,
You make me so merry
No other ninja can do for me!

Naruto was bright red and muttering curses. “I-I think Iruka-sensei has heard enough—“

Others may laugh
They tell me I’m dumb
But oh, you make me,
Make me want to come!
You are my only
Object of affection
Don’t look now, cos
I’m having an erectio—“

"AAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!!" Naruto jumped towards the Uchiha and tackled him, clasping a hand over the dark-haired boy’s mouth. Sasuke struggled and made muffled noises, but Naruto's strength was doubled because of humiliation, and his eyes were dangerously narrow.

Naruto immediately dragged Sasuke away and wept bitterly as he remembered how Iruka-sensei's jaw dropped down the floor.

“What’s the matter?” asked a confused Sasuke, while Naruto fell to his knees and started clawing at the grass. “You weren’t…my song…didn’t...it didn't turn you on?”

“O-of co-course it didn’t!!!” sputtered Naruto, going red in the face. “What the fuck were you thinking, singing something like that in front of Iruka-sensei?! if he...if he...oh, if he tells..." He groaned and smacked his own forehead. "That was a LOAD of bullcrap, if you ask me!”

“Damn it, I have failed. This calls for another song.”

“Sasuke!!! WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU?!”

But Sasuke began preparing himself again, careful to hit the high notes properly:

“You make my day bright
You’re my constant delight
When you lick your lips
I buckle in the hips
You make me go all tingly
Right down in my thingy—MMMPPHHH!”

He was quickly smacked in the face by a blushing Naruto. Sasuke thought it was a playful gesture so he wrestled him in return, and they continued to roll down the hill while Iruka-sensei shook in a corner, foaming in the mouth.


6.

Just so that Naruto wouldn’t hang out with that ‘Gaara-creep and that perverted Neji’, Sasuke made sure that the blonde brat had a bountiful supply of ramen and sweets. He often visited his apartment to help babysit his potted plants and load the tiny refrigerator with more provisions.

“I shall show my love for you not just in words but in actions,” explained the Uchiha firmly.

“Yeah, yeah, just stuff the others in the drawer, M’ hungry.”



7.

“I do not understand what is happening to me. Maybe it’s wrong to love him, maybe it’s wrong to ask him to love me, but there are things I want to hear. I’d love to hear him whisper his secrets into my mouth, and I would be honored to seal them with my kisses. I don’t want to be silent anymore…I want to be free. I used to just bombard him with insults and curses, hiding what I really wanted to say most of the time, and it only pains the both of us in the end. I can’t stand in the background and watch his lovely frame in eternal silence. Do you understand? I know you do.”

Shino nodded emotionally, dark glasses almost falling off his nose.



8.

“Do you remember, darling, the day we first met?”

Naruto blushed nervously. “Errr…no?”

“I don’t either. Don’t we make a stunning pair?”



9.

The blonde ninja was sulking in his room, nursing his scratches and wounds, when the Uchiha bounded forward, a paper bag in hand.

“DON’T TALK TO ME!” He said shrilly, crawling a few inches away. He was clearly distressed over the sudden change in Sasuke’s attitude; the raven-haired boy even SANG while he was in the shower room, and that only meant one thing: SASUKE WAS A FREAK IN LOVE. It was the scariest thing ever, really.

“Don’t worry my sweet, I’m not going to do anything,” Sasuke smiled, amused at the lovely nickname he gave his beloved years ago. “I just wanted to ask you something.”

Naruto began to prepare for a sprint, but the clever Uchiha presented him with a bag full of instant ramen, so he sat down still just like a good pet.

“Do you not love me?” asked the raven-haired boy in a broken voice as soon as they were settled.

Naruto shrugged, seemingly discomfited. “Shut up. Stop asking weird questions.”

“Answer me!” Then came the familiar cool voice of Uchiha Sasuke, and Naruto couldn’t help but shiver despite himself.

“I love you, just stop saying all those stupid stuff,” The golden-haired boy mumbled, preparing two bowls of ramen for them to eat. “You’ve been acting really crazy since caiphas’ party. I mean, you’re still cool and silent and domineering, but you’ve been acting all lovey-dovey and shit. You’re really starting to freak me out. Even the girls are starting to leave you alone—chastity_rowan has been acting pretty dodgy these days—and just about time, too.”

“I told them something happened between us in Orochimaru’s lair. Something…something.”

“You said WHAT?!” The blonde was about to charge, but the other held up a hand.

“It has been going on since forever, actually.” admitted Sasuke, stroking the blonde boy’s thigh. “I just wanted to speak up. Now that everything's finally over. Don’t you like the change? Even you have changed; you don’t blabber much.”

Naruto shrugged. “Dunno. Mebbe I’m just not used to it.”

“Used to what?”

“Used to mushy words coming out of your big mouth, you bastard!” Naruto made a loud slurping noise as he ate his noodles in a flourish. “I mean,” he chewed, “You usually say ‘dobe’ and ‘usuratonkachi’ and ‘stupid’ and ‘noisy’ and all those darn monosyllables—ooh, I like that word, can I say it again?—monosyllables of yours with the really sexy voice that really piss me off!! Now you’re just plain scaring me, I don’t understand you more than half offa time.”

“I wanted to speak up, if you understand me. Do you not appreciate my efforts?”

“S’not that!” retorted Naruto, licking his chopsticks clean, and the young Uchiha felt a sudden surge past his navel. “J-just…you’re not like Sasuke anymore.”

He said the last words rather whimsically.

Sasuke blanched. “So…you liked me better when I was abusing you verbally?”

Naruto nodded ecstatically. “Yeah. When we were fighting and training together. That was a lot more fun. You were more interesting, you know? You’re acting more like…like Hinata now.”

The Uchiha grimaced at the mention of a woman’s name, as well as the comparison. He trudged back to his own quarters, dejection high in the air.


10.

“What can I do to make him love me? What can I do to make him care? I thought releasing my hidden love for him would make the hurting stop, but it has only worsened our situation.”

Sasuke sighed and went to bed, placing his neatly-written diary underneath his favorite pillow.



11.

Sasuke was already eating on the short table Naruto owned, with a sour look on his face.

“Where’s the food?” Naruto yawned, scratching his belly. The Uchiha pretended not to have noticed the sight of his stomach and scowled in his plate.

“Make breakfast yourself, I’m not your servant.”

“WHAT?” roared the fox-boy, slamming his hands on the floor. “You mean you didn’t prepare breakfast for both of us?!”

Sasuke smirked. “Your voice is too loud. You should cook, you utter girl.”

“Wha—who you calling—SASUKEEEE!!!!!”

They started skirmishing, right on top of the table, knocking over bowls and mugs of hot chocolate. Naruto felt a sense of home while they punched and jeered and made faces, and Sasuke felt a sense of belongingness. Things were more comfortable this way.

The hidden style of the Uchiha was permanently set aside, locked into the recesses of Sasuke’s memories for future reference. Flirtation was found in warfare.

Sasuke had already triumphed long before, after all.


12.

It was when Naruto engaged in his Saturday morning ritual of cleaning up his room when he found a piece of paper ripped from a piece of parchment, scribbled on somewhat hastily with a few erasures:


I love you,
You lovely retarded
Fucking shitty asshole
Stupid you may be, but
With you
I feel
Whole

You’ve heard me
Once; I’m speaking
No more.
Can’t tell you you’re mine
Cos it just seems so
Wrong

I am Uchiha Sasuke
And this is
your song
It’s time to sign off
Goodbye and
So long





END (of my fanfic-writing escapades)